Women and Men

Modern Marriage as described by me
73 Rules Men Should Know About Women
Wo(Men) is a new combined-gender term I invented that means "men and women", or alternatively "women and men". When defining new combined-gender terms, instead of worrying about which gender goes first, use the nature of the words themselves to determine the ordering. For example, the term: s(he) which means "she and he" or "he and she". This one is pretty logical, putting the "s" in front of the "h". With new terms of this type we can eliminate the type of bogus flip-flopping back and forth as seen in modern literature.

Let's continue to expand a gender-neutral nomenclature that sensibly leverages existing words, punctuation, etc. I'm still working on the him/her, her/him problem. Herm? Sounds weird. My best offering is the new word him(her).

21st Century Combined-Gender Lexicon

Secrets Of A Woman's Language - Keywords And Their Meanings

Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night".

If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done.

"That's Okay," is often used with the word "Fine," in conjunction with a raised eyebrow, and with "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future after she has plotted and planned, you are going to get some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you might not get a "That's Okay."

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcomed.

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."

Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Personal Ad Term Translation

THE ADS FROM WOMEN

THE ADS FROM MEN

It's Good To Be A Man

Pickup Lines

SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND:

  1. He always scratches his crotch and says, "Damn! When is this gonna clear up?"
  2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.
  3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
  4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
  5. He refers to your little brother as a "real cutie."

SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND:

  1. She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.
  2. She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.
  3. Her lucky numbers are your pin number.
  4. Your friends know her by her porn name.
  5. She just can't stand the taste of "it."

Lets Pick On Men Instead Of Blondes

More Men Jokes

Because I'm a man..................

If Men Ran School: Class Names

Things Guys Know And Wish Girls Knew Too

  1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. So are we. How about a beer?
  2. Guys leave the seat up so that you won't think they were the ones who peed on the other side. (Editor's note)
  3. Peeing standing up is difficult, but it's our birthright.
  4. Do not cut your hair. Ever.
  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
  6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. How about a beer?
  7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
  8. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  9. Shopping is not a sport.
  10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
  11. You have enough clothes.
  12. You have too many shoes.
  13. Crying is blackmail.
  14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
  15. Ask for what you want. Hints do not work.
  16. No, we do not know what day it is.
  17. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, so we are not going go be able to tell you, which pair, out of thirty, will look good with your dress.
  18. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  19. If you come to us with a problem we are going to want to solve it.
  20. A headache is a problem.
  21. Foreign films are for foreigners.
  22. Check your oil.
  23. No faking!
  24. Taking a magazine quiz together is not in our best interests.
  25. No, it does not matter which quiz.
  26. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  28. Yes I was looking. If I hadn't been looking, I wouldn't have met you.
  29. When you rub the lamp the genie comes out.
  30. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
  31. Whenever possible, please speak only during commercials.
  32. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
  33. Wonderbras with low-cut blouses is sexual harassment.
  34. Women should keep wearing Wonder-bras with low-cut blouses.
  35. Men see in 16 colors.
  36. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  37. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
  38. If it itches, it will be scratched.
  39. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  40. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. How about a beer?
  41. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong (see previous on mind-reading, and while you're up, how about a beer?).
  42. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
  43. What in the hell is a doily?

Esquire magazine listed 73 things men should know about women:

  1. Women can tell if a man is the kind of man who likes women.
  2. Women like a man who likes women who like to eat.
  3. An unsolicited kiss is to a woman as free playoff tickets are to a man.
  4. Even better: flowers on days that aren't Valentine's Day, anniversaries, or birthdays.
  5. Speaking of flowers, they are most effective when delivered to the workplace.
  6. Getting back to kissing: more lip.
  7. Less tongue.
  8. The small of the back, the nape of the neck, behind the knees.
  9. While the occasional quick love bite is, in context, welcome, that incessant animal-in-leg-trap gnawing: no.
  10. As a rule, even if she wears a thong the first time you see her unclothed, she prefers white cotton panties.
  11. As a rule women don't like heels.
  12. Should she decide to wear heels anyway, have the confidence to support her decision, even if they make her taller than you.
  13. If you ask about her previous boyfriend and she gets a small wistful smile on her face, change the subject.
  14. You have no previous girlfriend.
  15. If she doesn't believe you when you say you have no previous girlfriend, admit to only one and offer, "she was unintelligent, a bad dresser, lousy in bed, couldn't cook, and had warts on her nipples."
  16. It also doesn't hurt to add that you like pets, enjoy children, volunteer often, and think, if only the church weren't against condoms, you could have joined the priesthood.
  17. Never let her arrive at an event alone.
  18. Sometimes women want it when you don't, and for you not to give in on such occasions sets a terrible precedent.
  19. Her job is just as important as yours.
  20. If she works out, compliment her muscles.
  21. When asked if she looks fat, even if it's the one thousandth time, you must be always at the ready with an immediate, confident, "Suuu-eeeeee!"
  22. That was a joke.
  23. Not a joke, and a phrase you should commit to memory: "Of course you don't look fat".
  24. No you were not looking at that other woman.
  25. First date don'ts: overdress, underdress, show up too early, show up too late, or talk too much about yourself.
  26. Relationship helper: Please complete: anniversary date ____, birthday____, dress size____, shoe size____, bra size____.
  27. Know that while Rhett Butler can get away with telling Scarlett O'Hara that she "should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how," you cannot.
  28. Only acceptable pickup line: "Hi my name is [insert your name]. What's yours?"
  29. On PMS: The fact that she knows hormones are causing her temporary crankiness doesn't make her feelings any less real, so cut her some slack.
  30. At those times when she criticizes your mood, it's okay to remind her of how you always cut her some slack on PMS days.
  31. Do not expect this gambit to work.
  32. Don't insult her friends, even if she does.
  33. More than anything else, women want you to make them laugh.
  34. Women are less excited about receiving gifts of lingerie than you are about giving them.
  35. Women are less excited about sleeping with another woman for your viewing pleasure than you are.
  36. Men always overestimate the size of their wive's or girlfriend's chests even as they underestimate the size of their wive's or girlfriend's hips.
  37. Wishful thinking is bad for your relationship.
  38. Avoid a women who competes with her mother or her sister.
  39. Embrace a woman who is best friends with either.
  40. Women dislike men who are liars.
  41. Women like men who have close friends.
  42. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at her breasts.
  43. Second date don'ts: See first date don'ts, plus don't presume that you are now entitled to sex.
  44. Going shopping with more than one woman at any given time will consume a minimum of seventeen hours that could have been spent napping.
  45. Contrary to popular belief, an out-of-shape man is just as unappealing to a woman as an out-of-shape woman is to a man.
  46. Women want you to pay for dinner.
  47. It's pointless to argue with her if you're not going to win.
  48. You're not going to win.
  49. A good woman is as excited about a gift that costs nothing as she is about a gift that costs a lot.
  50. Women have to pay more for their haircuts, dry cleaning, and shoes, and this upsets them.
  51. Women have to buy new outfits every season, and this makes them happy.
  52. Should you hit it off with a woman, perhaps think you are soul mates, and fall into bed in an unclothed, heavy-breathing, romance novel tangle, and, in the the heat of it all, she moans, "Daddy," do not even attempt to put your pants on until you are in the car.
  53. The idea of love at first sight, though attractive to women in theory, terrifies them in practice.
  54. The quirky perfect gift that shows you've been listening is worth twice the value of anything you can find at Tiffany's.
  55. Of course it doesn't hurt if the quirky perfect gift happens to be from Tiffany's.
  56. Gifts that may be quirky but never perfect, a blender, a beater, a vacuum cleaner, or a waffle iron.
  57. While yes sometimes means no, no always means no, as does her ordering the garlicky pesto sauce, twirling her hair around her finger while gazing absently into space, and getting up to go to the ladies' room and never returning.
  58. Third date don'ts: See first and second date don'ts, plus don't start talking about how you never want to have children, or for that matter how you want to have children immediately.
  59. Women, much like men, are human, and thus appreciate when you ask them questions about themselves.
  60. Most women do not like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker, which is why every man must take up at least one of these hobbies, because, while uninteresting, they allow for the woman-free consumption of liquor and the unfettered discussion of, you know, women.
  61. Those few women who do like ice fishing, golf, bowling or poker are the reason God invented the Elks club.
  62. Never ask a woman why she's mad at you, as she will only get madder at your not knowing.
  63. One follow-up to an unreturned phone call is acceptable, two is stalking.
  64. If you're single, the tango will do the trick. If you're married, the tango will also do the trick. Possibly even with your wife.
  65. Women do not desire to be introduced to a new brand of perfume.
  66. Women do not wish to be trifled with should they, on occasion, order dessert.
  67. Less than .05 percent of the male population is attractive enough to ignore chivalry, and most women over the age of twenty-five prefer to admire such men from a distance.
  68. Don't kiss and tell even if you are really proud of yourself.
  69. Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.
  70. Showering a woman with gifts after the first date is the romantic equiva lent of a comb-over.
  71. Women who come from big families are more fun.
  72. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
  73. Women, despite all your years of trying to understand them, including your intimate familiarity with Freudian psychology, the occasional intelligent glance at Cosmo, and memorization of these seventy-three things a man should know about them, will always remain a mystery.

Here's a little test: to gauge a man's sensitivity and caring:

  1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
    A. Lovemaking
    B. Screwing
    C. Driving the pigskin bus to tuna town.
  2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
    B. Your blood-test results.
    C. Five tequila slammers.
  3. You time your orgasm so that:
    A. Your partner climaxes first.
    B. You both climax simultaneously.
    C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.
  4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    A. Healthy, creative love-play.
    B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
    C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
  5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    A. The best part of the experience.
    B. The second best part of the experience.
    C. $100 extra.
  6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    A. No concern of yours.
    B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
    C. A conservative estimate.
  7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    A. A myth
    B. An oxymoron
    C. A moron
  8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    A. Appetizer is to entree.
    B. Primer is to paint.
    C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
  9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    A. "I hope we can still be friends."
    B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
    C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
  10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
    B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
    C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

Men: 10 things not to say in Victoria Secrets

  1. Does this come in children's sizes?
  2. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
  3. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
  4. Mom will love this.
  5. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
  6. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
  7. Will you model this for me???
  8. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
  9. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
  10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

Bar Room Chat Translations

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (And what they really mean)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

Girlfriend Version 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features we'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages (nag screens) about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

Husband Version 1.0


Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Sincerely, Jane

*************************

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Editor's Note: (the proper position for both the seat AND the lid, is down).