Modern Marriage

Typical Cheating Scenarios

A quickie one-night stand on a business trip - quickly buried in the past.
A transition from one relationship to another, with a period of overlap.
An ongoing extramarital affair with emotional bonds developing over time.

The first 2, although not great, do happen. The 3rd is just unacceptable. People who do this (I'll call them sharks) feel somehow that the rules do not apply to them. They have learned over time that if they bend or break the rules that they get away with it just fine. They begin to think of themselves as "gamblers" (but who always win). They don't "play by the rules". They "just do it".

Why do these sharks play with the other fish? The ones who live life by the Golden Rule (remember that one? - loosely, treat others the way that you would like to be treated). Because they can't handle other sharks!! The sharks like the security of the "neurotic housewife" (be it male or female) who provides their security blanket while they play their little cheating games. But will they share this information about their lifestyle with you, so that you have a chance to say "thanks but no thanks" and move on, or perhaps set up your own little episode of romantic fulfillment? Oh no. Why? Because they fear all of the things that you are experiencing. That makes them hypocrites. Here's what happened:

The Old Definition of Marriage

Years ago, marriage aligned a woman with a man, with an agreement by the man to care for the woman and any children she bore him. She agreed to fidelity insofar as this was critical for determining paternity of the children. In some cultures a man could have many wives. And many men, assuming they were sufficiently powerful enough, enjoyed mistresses. For women, this privilege rarely existed in most cultures. When women cheated, they often became pariahs.

The Evolution of Marriage

Some claim that marriage is a product of patriarchy. But from a contemporary male perspective, the marriage business seems to be a female-dominated affair. Why is this? My guess is that perhaps marriage was institued initially by men in an attempt to enforce paternity, but that women quickly said: "that's great [marriage], but let's make it better". Of course men also said: "Oh yeah", and added their own changes. This is the nature of evolution. But for whatever reason, modern men seem interested in "Sports Illustrated" while their girlfriends are interested in "Modern Bride".

Some key developmental milestones:

women did not like the "mistress" thing. It became less acceptable, and was driven underground and/or stopped happening as much.
Love and romance became bigger components of marriage. The idea that there should be fidelity in a marriage is taken for granted.
People start living longer: the 50 year and longer marriage starts became the goal. li> Men (and women) start realizing that they can leave their marriages and reinvent themselves.
Cheating becomes less and less acceptable - witness the recent Clinton affair.

The fact that divorce is an accepted part of our culture has changed everything. Consider an analogy with dental care. Years ago, dental care was poor, and if you kept your teeth, people said you had good teeth, and if you lost your teeth, oh well you had bad teeth. It was the same with marriage - if you had a good one, lucky you, but if not, oh well. In either case, as my great-grandmother used to say: "you made your bed, now lie in it".

Due to improvements in dental care, there is no longer any reason to not have healthy teeth into old age. It is incumbent on all of us to keep our teeth clean and in good shape. It's just one more responsibility added to the burden of being a modern human being.

Likewise relationships. In the modern era, divorce is most certainly an option. Leaving your mate is definitely possible. Counseling and therapy are available. So there is no excuse for staying in a bad relationship. Kids are not a good excuse. Lots of kids have divorced parents, and although it is not ideal, somehow they get by OK. Kids who are stuck with parents who despise each other don't have it so great either.

The modern American paradigm for marriage is this: you fall in love, but if things don't work out, or things change, you go fall in love with someone else. Now we can piss and moan about how people just throw up their hands at the drop of a hat and bail out on their responsibilities, but that doesn't change the fact that this seems to be the new definition of marriage. How much work you put into a relationship before you quit is an individual thing. However, if your partner is long-term cheating and refuses couples therapy, it is time to go.

There is just no excuse for long-term cheating in a relationship. There is no excuse for tolerating long-term cheating in a relationship.

Leaving

Many people do not have the best financial and emotional resources available to leave a bad relationship. Many cheaters, when left by their partner, may find themselves in a world of hurt. In both of these cases, it's just too bad. Get away from the sharks. If you are a shark, and you get caught, shame on you. In the modern era, you have to be strong, and you have to have the emotional backbone to tough it alone. If you always have to do a "Tarzan" maneuver to get out of a relationship (i.e. line up boy/girlfriend #2 while still with #1) you are doomed to a lifetime of being a cork bobbing around in the ocean getting swept along by random currents, rather than the Captain of your ship sailing towards Paradise.

When Should You Leave?

See www.loveadvice.com for a great list of reasons to get out. This is a great site. I don't agree with everything the Dr says, but I still like it.