Hella Lists

You Know You're Getting Old When:

by John Gatti

Subject: Intelligent Athlete Quotes

Subject: How to Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport-Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best place to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Dillard's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,Lime,Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you can not sing the blues.
Woke up this morning, and DSL was out.
Yes, I woke up this morning, and DSL was out.
Reset the modem and reset the PC ,
But it did no good, DSL was out, aint no doubt.
It just doesn't work.

Subject: Miscellaneous Quotes About Sex

Subject: Chinese Proverbs

Subject: T-Shirt Slogans

  1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)
  2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)
  3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
  4. "Procrastinate Now."
  5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
  6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
  7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
  8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
  9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
  10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
  11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
  12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
  13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
  14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
  15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
  16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
  17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
  18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."
  19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
  20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
  21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."
  22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on."
  23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
  24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
  25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
  26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it."
  27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
  28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
  29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
  30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
  31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
  32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
  33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."
  34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."
  35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
  36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
  37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
  38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
  39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
  40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."

Subject: 1901 compared to 2001

Warning: Beer Consumption Product Liablity

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed on all beer containers, effective immediately:

The 4 Religious Truths

  1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. They know Him only as a very successful Jewish Prophet.
  2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. They only know him as the leader of the Catholic Church.
  3. Nations of Islaam do not recognize either Jesus or the Pope.
  4. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

You might be from Lakeside Part Three

You might be from Lakeside if:

Can You Think Like A Professional?

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!

This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

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Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

So...

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

You might be from Lakeside Part Two

You might be from Lakeside if...

Drinking...

Reasons for Being ______

(Written by a frikkin' Netherlander no doubt)
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3 (a) You can legally kill yourself (b) You can legally be killed
4 You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5 You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10 Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1 You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4 You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5 Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6 No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7 More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9 All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Oktoberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can believe you're the greatest nation on earth.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Some more beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still want to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

Things JG Has Learned About Women

Recommending a friend for a job

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding)

(from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas)

Courtroom Quotes

Weird Laws

McDonald's Job Application

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target of middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: 50 lbs of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries

Top 10 reasons Trick or Treating is better than sex:

Classic Sports Quotes

Children's Books That Didn't Make It...

Moments when saying nothing might have worked out better..

What Sex Are Computers (?El o La?)

Computers Are Masculine (El)

Computers Are Feminine (La)

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace Windu," say in the Star Wars Prequel:

  1. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
  2. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
  3. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.
  4. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
  5. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
  6. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?
  7. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
  8. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the motherfucker's a carpet. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
  9. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
  10. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Motherfucker" on it.

Proof That Men Don't Really Run The World - If They Did:

  1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
  3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
  4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
  8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  9. he funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
  13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
  14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  15. Garbage would take itself out.
  16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
  17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
  20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
  21. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
  22. Two words: Ally McNaked.
  23. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  24. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
  25. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  26. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  27. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  28. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
  29. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
  30. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  31. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
  32. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Kid's Views On The Subject Of Marriage

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're Stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

What Is The Right Age To Get Married?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie,6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

What Are Dates For?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

When Is It Ok To Kiss Someone?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single Or married?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

How Would You Make A Marriage Work?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Advice from Kids to other Kids

Intelligent Marion Barry quotes

More miscellaneous intelligent quotes

THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET. - Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole [Ranks right up there with Homer Simpson's classic line, "So they have the Internet on computers now, eh?"]

THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL. - Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS. - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE. - Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS. - Andrew Mathis

THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF. - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS. - Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE. - Former French President Charles de Gaulle

THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT. - A congressional candidate in Texas

THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE. - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE - SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY. - Senator Everett Dirksen

I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES. - John Wayne

HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL. - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND. - General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE. - Anti-smoker Brooke Shields

IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET. - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

And - All by himself - Dan Quayle

WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS. - Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fund raising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

How do they do it in your neck of the woods?

English-Style:

Here we go; Here we go; Here we go......
Here we go; Here we go; Here we go oh......
Here we go; Here we go; Here we gowoh......
Here we gowoh
Here we gowoh
(repeat until you vomit all your pregame beer, then sing 'We'll never walk alone')
--Walter

California-style:

  1. Sing "We will rock you" incessantly.
  2. Hold up your lighter while the PA plays "When the lights go down in the city".
  3. Tell everyone in sight that you are "from the East side".
  4. If a girl says: "I ain't no Ho" say: "I'm sorry......Bitch".
  5. Tastes Great - Less Filling" degenerates to "Eat Shit - Fuck You".

California Joke:
Q: What does a Raider fan say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes.
--John

Canadian-style:

  1. Sing "Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hay Hay Hay Good-bye" incessantly.
  2. Hold up your lighter while the Band goes home.
  3. Tell everyone in sight that you are "from Moose Jaw"
  4. If a girl says: "I ain't no Ho" say: "But I brought beer"
  5. "Tastes Great - Less Filling" degenerates to "Eat Shit - Fuck You Ay".

Canadian Joke:
Q: Why do Canadians prefer doggy style?
A: So they can both watch the hockey game.
--Robert

New Jersey style:

  1. Sing "10th Avenue Freeze Out... 10th Avenue Freeze Out..." until the cows come home.
  2. Hold up your lighter, and set something on fire.
  3. Tell everyone in sight that you are "from 1 mile west of Exit 17"
  4. If a girl says: "I ain't no Ho" say: "How about if I kick in another twenty"
  5. "Tastes Great - Less Filling" degenerates to "Eat Shit - Fuck You - You New York Puke".

New Jersey - no joke:
Q: Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried?
A: A parking garage in Hackensack. Ask my sister for the exact location.
--Brian

(Editor's note: When I was 16-19 I worked at a paper warehouse as a paper cutter. The other paper cutter was named Jimmy Hoffa. Jimmy Hoffa and John Gatti cutting paper...)

You might be from Lakeside if...


               The Top 17 Indications Your
                   Family May be Dysfunctional


[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]


17. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions
    your family.

16. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

15. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over
    the last beer.

14. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

13. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

12. Local police save money by making your house a precinct
    substation.

11. Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menedez Family
    Christmas."

10. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

 9. Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking
    a toaster around the house.

 8. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate
    anymore.

 7. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of
    Mom's personalities.

 6. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

 5. You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper
    and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.

 4. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a
    passage from Penthouse Forum.

 3. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of
    roast turkey.

 2. Didn't make today's Top Five List?
    Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

 1. No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a
    methamphetamine lab.

1998 Darwin Award Nominees

 1998 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

  1.  In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
 two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
 grate to retrieve his car keys.

  2.  In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
 zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

 3.  Buxton, NC:  A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
 in the sand caved in as he sat inside it.  Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
 sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him
 beneath 5 feet of sand.

  4.  In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
 fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
 Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
 keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
 floor.

  5.  According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
 was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
 trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
 was wearing.

  6.  Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
 Delaware, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
 revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

  7.  In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,
 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
 themselves a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
 snowmobiles.

  8.  In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
 Ozark, Arkansas, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
 the spot where another person had fallen to his death a few years earlier.

 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS -- For those whose only failure to
  qualify for the full award was that they somehow have managed to
  survive their own stupidity:

  1.  In Guthrie, Oklahoma, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
 millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
 ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the
 head, fracturing his skull.

  2.  In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
 cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
 torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
 house.

  3.  Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
 September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
 dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2 AM, the
 bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
 what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window
 was closed.

 4.  Taking "Amateur Night" too far:  In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
 festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting.  This
 year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including
 one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.  Said one participant, "It's
 just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."


 and SOME MORE ALSO RANS

 1.  Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
 Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry,
 Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his
 chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela
 Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
 Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in
 addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.  "I'm still
 not sure why I did it," she said later.  "I was really close to the car,
 so I didn't think anyone would see; besides, it couldn't have been for
 more than two seconds."
 However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running
 over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.  Inside,
 Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth.  The crash of
 the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
 cleaning pick.  In shock, Corcoran bit down, severing two fingers from
 Klesick's hand.  Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
 medical building.

 2.  Taos, New Mexico:  A woman went to a poison control center after
 eating three birth-control vaginal inserts.  Her English was so bad she
 had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
 herself.  A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors''
 suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy
 or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers.  After the third one, she
 realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with
 a sour-tasting foam.  She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few
 blocks away, where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,
 throat and stomach with no ill effects.

  3.  La Grange, California:  Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a
 trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
 drags the thing all over the house," he said later.  "He must have dragged
 it into the shower.  I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and
 sat down right on the thing."  The extraction took more than three hours
 due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during
 insertion.  "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr.
 Dennis Cole.  "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying
 himself.  Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time,
 he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor.  By the time
 we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

  4.  Tacoma, Washington:  Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several
 friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped
 from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation
 grew more heated and at least ten men trooped along the walkway of the>
 bridge at 4:30 a.m.  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
 discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.  Bingham, who had
 continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's
 cable lay nearby.  One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg
 and the other end was tied to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before
 the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously
 survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
 fishermen.  "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out
 for me on that night.  There's just no other explanation for it."
 Bingham's foot was never located.

 5.  Bremerton, Washington:  Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were
 engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut
 butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them
 clean.  Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis
 and testicles.  Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a
 half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog.  The bottle broke, covering the
 dog and Christopher with perfume.  Startled, Rudy jumped back, tearing
 away the penis.  While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to
 take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
 Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Christopher is just
 plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the
 penis.  "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous.
 The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful,
 helped sterilize the wound.  Also, aside from it's being removed, the
 damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal.  It's
 really a very stringy piece of flesh.  Mr. Coulter stands an excellent
 chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington
 Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

Santa's Out Of Prozac